Friday, March 6, 2015
I just tried Tai Chi last week, and I've been to every one of the teacher's classes since.
We had just gotten started, we were doing these motions guiding the curved arm back and forth, back and forth. Then he said something that really struck me- just imagine a road. and no matter how curved or winding, is still a road. It is still going somewhere, it still has a definite direction.
I probably stopped moving for a second and stared. I mean... ????
For all this time, I've been moving through life worrying and worrying and worrying about where I'm going and whether or not it's gonna work out and what will they think and what will I think and what if what if what if what if....
Instead of trusting. Instead of just knowing that I will never truly know how my actions will affect the future.. and being ok with that. The best opportunities have come to me when I genuinely wasn't trying to control anything. I mean, I showed up to the class because I was tired of feeling empty and disconnected from my body. And it honestly has been one of the best feelings I have ever felt in at least the past five years. Ecstasy. Pure ecstasy in my own quietude.
From all the numbing substances I've used- drugs, alcohol, food, sex, relationships, self-help books (yes, you can be addicted to these too), I have never once walked out after and felt like this. Never. And I'm sure that if you've found this, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I have put so much ego into everything- figuring out exactly what this will mean if I put it on my resume and doing it because I think it will make me feel better about myself. I mean, just tearing myself apart to try to fit this ideal that really wasn't an ideal vision for me. It was what I thought society wanted from me. But then, looking back, I can see now that all those detours I took, all those failures, led me to negatively control. And all that gripping, all that forcing, led me here. Right here. To the present moment. The moment where I finally let go and soften.
My spiritual practice has gotten so so powerful because I couldn't take it anymore. Because I had to see that there was something deeper, something more. Something out there. Somewhere.
And it's been rough, really rough sometimes. But it's ok. Because the quality of your practice is measured by the depth of your peace when you're there. Not the length, not how happy you are most of the time, not your lack of depression. Only how deep you go when you go. But to get there you need to really commit to this every single day.
Now I see, looking back, that all this deviating and changing course and not settling and running away and backing out too soon and staying in too long...
That's what's gotten me here today. The positive wouldn't have done it. Had I been truly satisfied with my life then, I would have never met her... This place that is so rich with feeling and life and beauty. This place that is so wonderful, this place that I hope all of you can have for yourself in all moments, for all of time.